April Fool’s!

New Liturgy Announced; Vast Improvements Promised

The Presbyterian Church released its long-awaited liturgy update at a press event in Louisville, KY today. The new “Liturgy 9S” brings with it features that have long been rumored. We were able to get our hands on a copy so that we could share our first impressions with you.

Finally, worship has been updated to a 4K+ experience that is indistinguishable from reality. It doesn’t even seem like you’re looking at a screen when you’re worshiping with Liturgy 9S. The colors are absolutely true to life. Although previous models technically shipped with displays capable of functioning in bright sunlight, that feature was rarely used. The church is doubling down on outdoor worship with a bright display that functions even when used outside of a building.

Waterproof Construction
Another complaint with the old Liturgy 8S was its susceptibility to water damage, leading many users to keep baptismal fonts dry and practice communion only when necessary. This new update brings with it a 1 hour water-resistant rating, giving users the ability to conduct entire worship services using baptism and communion, even when it’s raining outside.

This is the really big news everyone was waiting for. Past liturgies suffered from lag, slow response times, and long waits for even the simplest worship tasks to be completed. Many users cited durations of over one hour for full worship services using apps like “Call2Worship,” “Confession/Pardon,” “HymnSing+,” and especially the popular MMO game, “Prayers of People.” With a brand new Kairos1311 processor and 4 GB of RAM (Random Acts of Mission), worship time can be reduced significantly. Expect most worship services to last only 10 minutes with this new update, leaving much more time for the more important things in your life.

Virtual Reality
For those users who really want a more convenient worship experience, Liturgy 9S is now compatible with most VR Headsets. The church also released a its own headset today called the “Head Over Heart.” Notably, it includes a long adjustable support pole that extends from the lenses down to a desk or floor, keeping the user safe even if they fall asleep. That features gave the headset its nickname, “Brain on a Stick.” The Virtual Reality experience allows users to technically experience worship, but without truly engaging in emotionally tiring relationships with God or other worshipers.

Personal Assistant
Although the personal assistant “Paraklete” was available in previous versions, it was only accessible through a jailbreak. Today’s update makes “Paraklete” an official feature, allowing users to access it through wireless prayer, even when the system is powered off and not engaged in a formal worship service. We’ve known from jailbreak users that the Paraklete system is extremely powerful and feature-rich, though it remains largely untested. Paraklete promises to provide inspiration, personal comfort, and assistance with decision-making and discerning truth, among other features.

Release Date

Liturgy 9S is available through preorder now, and will release on Easter Sunday. Reserve yours today!